Friday, April 18, 2008
This blog was created as a result of a demonstrated need for a place for the members of the Middlebury College community to have their voices heard regarding issues of rape and sexual violence.
On April 17th, 2008 Feminist Action at Middlebury held its 3rd annual Lovefest sexual violence awareness concert and speakout. After several wonderful performances and poetry readings, the floor was opened up to students willing to come forward and "speak out” openly and honestly about sexual violence. As student after student took to the stage to tell their own stories, one common theme emerged: women on this campus are continuously being raped and sexually assaulted and nothing is being done about it; their voices are being silenced. These women are your classmates, your neighbors, and your friends. We can no longer stay silent. We encourage you to tell your stories, to discuss your fears, anonymously or otherwise. It is time to speakout and mend the silence.
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First of all I want to thank all of you who contributed to Lovefest last night. It truly was a wonderful event. After hearing everyone tell their stories so eloquently, it became evident how much of a need there is for a place like this-for us to talk about the things that are happening to us and to our friends. As I was sitting there last night listening to everyone speak, it dawned on me how many of my friends over the years have come to me and told me about their experiences with sexual violence. How can it possibly be that there are so many of us having these exact same experiences, yet no one is talking about them? We need to change that. So I want to thank Aaron for creating this blog and giving us a place to have our voices heard.
A reoccurring topic from last night that really stuck with me was the confusion over what the words rape and sexual assault really mean. When things are unclear or blurry it seems that many women either turn to self blame or attempt to block out the experience entirely which only adds to the taboo nature of these issues and causes more women to stay silent about what happened to them. Today Sujata sent me this interesting article which you should all check out: http://www.cosmopolitan.com/sex-love/sex/new-kind-of-date-rape
Let me just say that my cynical self is both anxious and optimistic concerning the meeting with the President. To say that the sexual assault policies need to be reformed is an understatement. Furthermore, I would like to, if I can, address the specific incident that was discussed last night:
I would first like to thank the courageous student for sharing her story. I couldn't sleep most of the night after I heard it. We have to do something--not only to change the aforementioned current policy, but to give this poor student back the power and justice she deserves. This one incident does not affect one person--it will undoubtedly be a foundation for further judicial hearing decision-making.
If and ONLY IF this student desires to go public, I am more than willing to devote all my time putting up huge mofo posters in the dining halls, library, town, etc., passing out fliers to all students, faculty & staff, e-mailing, marching--whatever it takes to get this story out. I don't care how long it takes me (i don't sleep anyway), I will do whatever is needed. Plus, I have a really big mouth when I need to. ;) I hope everyone will jump on this bandwagon for some semblance for justice.
Anywho, I hope that if and only if this student desires and decides to go public, that all of you will not only join in this endeavor (as well as the talk/march to the President), but I hope you will recruit everyone you know (I'm not kidding). Nothing is going to change if we just have a bunch of "crazy female feminist students" speaking out--we need MALES, we need staff, we need faculty, we need townspeople, a few media outlets and then and only then the school might move its ass to reform as the status quo is always easier to hide in.
Please, the semester is almost over and we haven't much time do take action. I by no means am forcing the student to speak out because it is her right to stay quiet, but even if she chooses not to go to the media, we desperately need to support (not silently) the need for change in policy--that is, get out of your dorm rooms and join us. Please--for every person who has been sexually assaulted or abused, and for every person who will be, we cannot afford silence. Instead of partying this Friday or Saturday night, let's spend our time organizing, making posters, etc. This is a window of opportunity we cannot afford to lose and apathy is simply unacceptable.
I beseech you all--and I know we are all crazy busy--but please please make the time to join us. Without all of you, our fight will be lost. Thank you. :)
I don't have too much to add to the first two comments, but I wanted to show my support and complete willingness to help organize and carry out any efforts to help improve this situation.
I went to Lovefest thinking something like, "this is a good cause and everything, and it's nice to have an event like this, but it's not really an issue at Middlebury." As it turns out, I was completely wrong. I say this because there are probably many people on campus who feel exactly the same way I did. If we raise our voices, we can change the way the college thinks about these issues. I, for one, have already experienced that change.
Oh, also, I'm male. And probably more politically conservative than a lot of this campus.
The "radical feminist" charge really cannot (and should not) be applied to this issue.
I'm just wondering when we go to the point when we needed a specialist to come in to clean up the messes left behind by this? While I think it's great she's here (and think she's an EXCELLENT counselor), I wish the school would take preventative measures, rather than clean-up measures. (Although the specifics elude me at this point, and I'm glad they're doing something to address it. Just not nearly enough.)
i am not too in touch with what's going on on campus since i'm abroad but i guess there isn't much else i have to say besides that, and "i'm in"
For a contrary view you might wish to read the following article by Heather MacDonald:
http://city-journal.org/2008/18_1_campus_rape.html
Oh...now I finally understand what kind of shape this campus is in. Being an extremely conservative male, I flinch at the approach often taken when combating rape because, often, it turns into a crusade against men; this time, it's more than that.
I could admonish students for poor choices, but that does no good, as poor choices will still be made. I can scream at men for having no self control, or at women for dressing too provocatively, but neither would do any good, because those things aren't within my control.
I will however, take a moment to scream at the people who compromise campus safety in the name of "light pollution." I remember that the first time my stepsister was with me here at Midd, my stepmom proposed an incorrect use of a blue light, that is to say, a non-urgent use. My stepsister turned and said, "Mom, those are rape poles." As sick as that sounded, I took it to heart. Sadly to say, as one of the slowest guys I know, I'd never evade an attacker (not like I'll be attacked) because I can only ever see one blue light at a time. If I did manage to hit one, I'd never find the second one. I couldn't successfully hit the blue lights without someone after me, so I couldn't imagine doing it while under attack. Will the administration ever spend a sensible dollar to upgrade the blue light system? I doubt it.
We need blue lights, but more importantly we also need people to treat one another with respect. The human body is not a commodity to be bought, sold, or stolen.
1) What is this Lovefest event? I seem to have missed out. It'd be nice to have some description of the event for the benefit of those who weren't there. I gather it included a (presumably current female) Middlebury student telling about when she was raped (presumably on campus).
2) The Heather MacDonald Article is worth reading, even if you disagree. I don't know enough about the facts either way.
3) I'm a male, and certainly willing to lend that to your cause (which I support) if I believe you have a plan to actually change behavior. So far I've only read a call to arms.
4) When does FAM meet? This would also be a good thing to have on the website.
I hope we can effect some meaningful change!
FAM meets sundays at 9, but this group is much more than a feminist platform. it is for everyone. rape is something that effects everyone.
I'd really like to come to FAM but I'm afraid it's a tight knit group and I won't fit in.
FAM loves having new members and we encourage everyone to come to our meetings!! Sundays 9:00 pm Chellis House
This specific campaign however is supported by numerous individuals and various student groups. While FAM was the original organizer of Lovefest (a sexual violence awareness concert and speakout) many others have been involved in the follow-up work. We encourage all of you to keep an eye out for more information about the "Carbon Neutral by 2016, Rape Free by...?" campaign in the next few days.
Count me in. If you reach out to faculty you'll get a lot of support.
Mike
Didn't mean to make that anonymous. Mike Sheridan, SOAN
All I want to say is thank you. Thank you for doing this, for creating this space.
In the past two years three of my closest friends have come to me and told me their experiences with sexual assault. FOr two of them, I was the only person they have ever told. Their expereiences changed them, and they were never the same after their victimizations. OUr secrets are killing us. It's happening everywhere.
Re: The Campus Rape Myth by Heather MacDonald
My long, personal reaction:
I took the time to read that article in its entirety, despite its length and repetitiveness. I’m also going to let you know that I went into it with as open a mind as possible, although I’m sure anyone reading what I have to say will easily dismiss that. I can almost understand where she’s coming from in her frustrations – the facility with which men can be blamed as well as the fact that it appears the woman’s story always retains more credibility than the male’s in these situations (very true, a necessary erring on the side of caution) – however the entire article reads like the angry rant of someone who’s been accused (although given the sex of the author that’s unlikely) or someone who has some repressed frustrations given that she doesn’t partake in the “hook-up culture”. I’ll never know, but the deliberately slanted ways she presented “facts” really ate into her credibility. I think it’s very interesting that the “1-in-4” statistic is hard to verify, but considering the subject, I don’t think it is completely misguided. Whether or not it’s acceptable to label these occurrences “rape” when affected students themselves are unwilling to do so is beside the point (I have some scruples about this, I think it’s better to let people talk about it and label it on their own); clearly something uncomfortable, unwanted, and negative is going on. That’s a problem. So the article proposes that these women should be in charge of not getting themselves into these situations – not getting drunk, dressing provocatively, or taking off their clothes if they don’t want to have sex. What if these women aren’t sure what exactly they want ahead of time? Why is it their responsibility to know exactly what they want before setting out for the night and even meeting up with anyone? Shouldn’t men be very attentive to what women are saying and how they are reacting given the gravity of what happens if things go wrong?
This article argues from some pretty flawed assumptions. Namely, that there is an evil feminist conspiracy that secretly wants women to identify as rape victims so that men are subjugated and ultimately answer to women. Also, that what is going on is essentially promiscuity, not rape. The first may be an exaggerated characterization, but the second is fairly accurate. I think it’s ignorant to assume that all these “grey-area” rapes where the victims are reluctant to label it as such are simply a result of regretted sex. Admittedly, I’m sure regretted sex plays a larger part than it should in the mix; it’s extremely difficult for women to find the line between regretted sex and that grey area, uncomfortable thing that some people might classify as rape (especially afterwards). I also think women shouldn’t be drinking so much to the point where they lack the control and ability to be certain of what is happening. I’m sure any situation where I wasn’t sure of what had happened the next day would be disconcerting to me, sex or no sex. I don’t think it is too much to ask that men refrain from engaging in sex no matter what women say they want if they clearly are incapacitated. But there are many more cases where women expressed ambivalence or even unwillingness to go too far or engage in certain sexual activities. What if they said that, then engaged in it anyway? I think many people would consider that rape.
Would I label it “rape”? I’m not sure and somewhat reluctant to do so. Why? Because I cannot help but think back to my own experience with this situation. What happened was this: I was at a dance and met up with someone I’d danced with the previous night and knew casually. (All the typical ingredients for a situation gone wrong…) He asked me to go outside with me and directed me toward the exit. I let him lead me that way because I’d wanted to have sex with him. According to this author, whatever followed would most likely not be classified as “rape”. Although I will keep this as anonymous I’m uncomfortable going into too much detail here. I’ll say this: things progressed too fast, and I said “no”. Clearly. More than once. But I brought him back to my room, hoping to regain control of the situation once more and take things how I wish they had gone (slower). Sexual activity ensued, but I was never able to gain control of what was happening. I tried to stop him a few times, but I never said it too convincingly. I was shy and unwilling to make an enemy. I wanted to be open because I consider myself an open person to sex and experiences. At the end of the encounter I asked if he would contact me. I went back to the dance to collect my things. I didn’t feel okay; I felt off. What was wrong however was not simply that I’d had sex with the wrong person or against my beliefs/wishes. It was that I lost control and my partner wouldn’t listen or respond to my attempts to let him know. So when in that article, the author implies that the University of Virginia’s characterization of rape as, “not an act of sex or lust—it’s about aggression, power, and humiliation, using sex as the weapon. The rapist’s goal is domination” is “an absurd description” which doesn’t apply to those grey-area acquaintance rapes, it leads me she doesn’t understand the complex nature of rape. What makes sexual activity a rape is not the people involved, it’s the imbalance of control. When one person looses control in a sexual situation, the other is committing rape. I never reported what happened to me and I am reluctant to call it rape because I feel like it didn’t leave major emotional scars or affect who I am. The author would happily classify this as one of those fake-rape situations, which wasn’t rape at all. I still enjoy sex and intimacy so clearly it wasn’t that bad (or so the article proposes). It was wrong. I don’t think it was okay by a long shot, but it’s not going to massively affect me because of who I am.
Moreover, I think it is logically incorrect to assume that because many of those who report sexual assault are promiscuous, they are less credible. To me, it gives their story more credibility. If they are so promiscuous, they would know better than anyone else the difference between sex and rape. They’ve had more sex than most (the very definition of promiscuous) so they know what’s okay for them and what’s not. When they don’t feel right in a sexual situation, I have no other option than to conclude that something must be off. It is simply irrational to say that the sexual revolution is incompatible with the “rape industry” (an industry, really? Why would anyone wish to manufacture problems?). The sexual revolution has empowered women to take control of sexual situations. It is a fundamentally empowering movement which does not cause rape. Its goal is to make women more aware of sexual situations and their own pleasure as well as making men more attentive to their partners. The solution to rape is not to return to some Victorian notion of no-sex-before marriage, but to further instill in men this necessary attentiveness to women. It is not “no-consequences sex” which is a contradiction in terms, but “no-control sex” (aka rape). Women can be promiscuous and retain control. It is not sex that rape victims object to, but the way in which it is carried out. Like the author says, “women usually have considerable power to determine whether a campus social event ends with intercourse.” True. Why does rape happen? Because men usurp women of that power.
Finally, I just find it insulting to paint those who have come forward as liars or caught up in some hysteria similar to the “witchcraft” trial era. It’s offensive to say that because these women haven’t let their rape rob them of their ability to engage in pleasurable sex that it wasn’t really “rape”. It can and usually will be a very negative, uncomfortable memory, but I think it’s great that women can carry on and not let what happened to them define who they are. That doesn’t mean it didn’t happen, or that resources aren’t necessary or that we shouldn’t be encouraging more women to come out as survivors of rape. It just means that these women will always be more than a statistic and that each person processes their experiences differently. So while I think it’s interesting that the statistics may be overblown (statistics can be wrong? I’ve never heard that one before!), the way these campus rapes are so moralistically dismissed is offensive to the point where it ultimately renders their argument utterly incredible.
Is there going to be another Lovefest or something similar to this event anytime soon? I had wanted to go, but chickened out...
My best friend was raped two years ago, but she doesn't realize it. She was drunk and passed out, and when she woke up, she realized he had sex with her. I told her that he assaulted her, but she said she probably said yes when she was drunk. She said (through tears) that it wasn't a big deal, yet two years later she gets uncomfortable whenever a man in a Navy uniform is around.
Please mend the silence, for all those women who think they said yes, or think they didn't resist enough, or think they deserved it.
I found the link to this blog through the Middlebury Confessions website and wanted to post my story here.
I was drugged and sexually assaulted while home a few months ago. I went out to a bar with a few friends for a night of dancing. I didn't have more than one drink. My memory after my first half hour at the bar is very hazy. Despite only having one drink I had never felt more drunk in my life. I had no sense of balance, sense of time, and everything seemed to just float by in a haze. There are long periods of time that I cannot account for, my memory is just blank. I remember a male acquaintance of one of my friends offered to drive me home since my friends had momentarily disappeared. Lacking ability to make any decisions, I got into the back of his car, and he got into the back of the car with me and started kissing me and touching me. I remember just letting him because I was so incapacitated. The next thing I remember I was naked, and telling him to stop stop stop but he entered me anyway. I can't remember how I eventually got away but I remember running home even though it was a few miles and locking myself in my room.
When I woke up I felt incredibly sick and scared and unsure of what had happened. The button on my jeans was missing which leads me to believe they were just ripped off. I threw up for two days straight, adding to my suspicions that I was drugged.
I immediately blamed myself because for some reason I couldn't admit to myself that I was raped. As the days went by though I began to realize the scope of what had happened.
Even though I didn't have the strength to go to the police, I obviously still had so much hatred inside me for the guy who did this to me and I knew where to find him since he worked with one of my friends. I also wanted to know if I should be tested for STDs, and falsely reasoned that maybe I could avoid the uncomfortable process of being tested if I just asked him.
It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but I went and found him alone at work and confronted him. I yelled at him through tears and told him how much he hurt me and how much I hated him. I guess he figured I wouldn't remember anything because he told me that all we did was kiss. The worst part is that he told me I was asking him to have sex but he refused since he didn't have a condom. This made me boil over with anger as one of my few clear memories was him forcing himself inside me unprotected.
I was still afraid of STDs and wanted to be checked so I went to the doctor and asked to be tested and started crying immediately when he asked why. I lied and said I thought my boyfriend cheated on me and just wanted to be safe. Thankfully all of the tests came back negative.
It still haunts me that I don't have the strength to report it, but even months later I know I couldn't go through with it. I have mostly recovered more quickly than I thought I would, but I still have problems with not wanting to appear attractive to men. I have trouble looking unfamiliar men in the eye who talk to me.
This is the first time I have told anyone my complete story, and it helps a lot to write it out. I hope someday soon I can talk about it.
I was sexually assaulted on campus by a man I was stupid enough to think that I loved. Along with my virginity, he took my self-respect. Even years later, I have trouble going into the dorm where the assaults occurred. Even today, I blame myself.
He woke me up ready to penetrate. He was on top of me. I told him “no,” that I was sore, that I was in pain, but he did what he wanted to do anyway. Why didn’t I hit him? Why didn’t I defend myself more?! Instead, I just laid there, in shock, in disbelief, grimacing in pain, hoping he would finish soon.
The next morning, I woke up next to him and questioned him about it in anger. He told me to shut up and go back to bed. Again, I did what I was told. For the next two years, sex to him consisted of how much physical pain he could afflict on me. He liked to bruise me, and when I demanded that he stop, time and time again he reminded me that I liked it.
I never told anyone about this until the end of our relationship. By then, I was deeply depressed and chose alcohol and drugs to numb myself of what had transpired and what was transpiring. With blind faith, a whole hell of a lot of anger and a lot of stupidity, I decided to report him to administration and take my complaints to a judicial board hearing.
The judicial hearing was a 9 hour abuse period, where I sat no more than 5 feet away from him. In each round I felt powerless once again, hearing him tell lie after lie after lie about me. The board saw the bruising, and instead of asking how or why he bruised me, they asked me why I had taken the pictures of my bruises. Why would I do such a thing? they asked.
He said that I liked it. He said I wanted it. He was found not guilty.
They believed me, they said, but there was not enough evidence. “Sorry,” but nevertheless I should not worry and “move on.” I had so much life to live, and oh, what a talented young woman I was. I wanted to scream. But I kept silent, once again. They told me that if I were to speak of the hearing to anyone else (i.e. speak of the assaults/abuse), then administration would seek immediate judicial action against me. So I once again kept silent. I blamed myself.
I fell into a deeper depression, and I’m still trying to climb back out of the abyss. And I have known other students on this campus who have kept silent concerning their experiences with sexual assault. I know of students brave enough to take their case to the judicial board (because they are discouraged from taking it to the police), and time after time after time the perpetrator is acquitted because of “lack of evidence,” because the perpetrator was too intoxicated to be responsible for the sexual assault, because the board was not ready to destroy the life of the perpetrator but more than willing to rape the victim all over again.
After the hearing, I felt alone and betrayed. I was victimized, but I wasn’t even good enough to be a statistic because according to the board, he did not sexually assault me, he did not rape me. But my life was destroyed. My innocence was forever taken from me. I realized that my experience, according to the board, might have been bad, but it was not rape or sexual assault because those such things do not occur here.
Previous poster: I am so sorry to hear what happened to you. I now realize that this is what the college does so constantly. I especially cannot believe how much they favor the perpetrator and willing to protect him without the slightest concern for the victim. I watched someone very dear and close to me go through the same experience. We need to let other people know about it. We need to have a collective action against the school.
As a parent of a college student sexual assault survivor, I support all your efforts at expression and enhancing administrative and educational responses. Like any truma, when shared, sexual assault impacts the entire immediate and extended family, which then needs to grieve and heal together. Which is possible. Which commits us to justice and safe inner and outer environments in which to live our lives.
I wish I had been strong enough to go to the survivors group tonight. I didn't want to confront it because I don't want to give it legitimacy.
Come to our demonstration this Wednesday (May 7), to demand change in our sexual assault policy, show your support for sexual assault survivors, and celebrate sexual agency.
---Wear white that day. (Or your “Carbon Neutral by 2016, Rape Free by ?” t-shirt)
----Come to Bi-Hall at 3:00pm to make posters for the demonstration.
----We’ll leave Bi-Hall at 4:00pm, holding hands, and walk past Ross, down College Street, and arrive at Old Chapel.
-----We’ll arrive at Old Chapel at 4:20pm. Here, holding hands, we’ll make a circle around Old Chapel. At each end of the building (North, South, East, and West), we’ll have people step inside the circle and speak up. This can be a poem; a story; statistics; a personal statement; or anything else that you’d like to speak up about. Speakers can take turns. You don’t have to come with a prepared statement, but it’d be great to have everyone say something.
Voice your concerns. Show that you care. Make Middlebury a safer place.
Talk to your friends. Get the word out.
Afterwards, there will be a support group meeting at 7:00 if anyone's interested in attending.
I just scanned the page a bit and this stood out.. I'm not trying to target anyone obviously (I'm a graduate and I probably don't know you)...
steve said:
"I can scream at men for having no self control, or at women for dressing too provocatively, but neither would do any good, because those things aren't within my control."
No, the actions of others are never in our control, as you say. But- correct me if I am wrong- it seems that you are suggesting here that besides being out of your control, that women who wear provocative clothes should expect to be raped-- as if they are "asking for it."
Forgive me if this is not your intention, but I would like to strongly remind everyone who thinks otherwise, that the way a person dresses is in no way an invitation for being raped. While a woman might dress a certain way to go out dancing or to attract a mate, looking for a date and looking to be raped are not synonymous. No one should ever be taken advantage of-- raping a woman because of what she is wearing is no excuse at all. I suggest that the problem is rooted more in the lack of self-control in aforementioned men. (Although it is a separate issue, I am doing research on human trafficking issues in China and the thought that rape and "rape with consent" --women in prostitution rings are basically raped and then convinced that they have to sell their bodies for the rest of their lives-- is occurring so often simply because men cannot keep it in their pants truly disgusts me).
I'm also curious as to whether or not this campaign (can it be called that?) is addressing issues for men who are victims of rape.. I'm sure that there might be many other layers of social/personal factors that might hinder male response, but just wondering..
Dear all who have committed rape or have thought of rape as acceptable: just picture your sister being raped. Or your cousin, mother, etc.
To the girl who had the courage to read her poem this afternoon:
Thank you so much. It brought me to tears. I feel for you, for your friend. I needed that, as a kind of release for my own complicated feelings surrounding my experience. I wanted to say something about how much it meant to me, but if you ever read this, please know how much it touched me.
Thank you.
thank you for your demonstration the other day
Recently a friend came to me and told me that she had been date raped. It was such a shock that I didn't know what to do or what to tell her. I feel like I wasn't the best suuport for he in the situation, becasue i really didn't know what to do. I feel like I failed her.
We need to know what to do in these situations and what to tell our friends. We need to raise awareness that rape and sexual assault can happen here, that is DOES happen here, all the time.
Thank you for your demonstration, it really is the first step.
First of all, thanks to everyone who posted on this blog, Middblog, MiddConfessional (however controversial that site is). I've been so busy this semester, and I didn't have the time to sit down and read all the posts. But now that I have, I'm so glad we have all these venues to come together, share our experiences, brainstorm, and try to heal.
The administration has promised to review and revise our existing policy, and we have a lot of amazing people committed to getting this done. That doesn't meant that we're going to stop pushing for changes, and I encourage everyone to take a look at the policy changes we're recommending, available through the Facebook group "Carbon neutral by 2016, rape free by?"
While we will continue researching other schools' policies and practices over the summer, and stay in close contact with members of the administration who are working around the clock to make our policy as extensive and victim-oriented as possible, we're begining to shift our focus to things beyond the policy. There really is only so much that the handbook in and of itself can do, in a top-down fashion. How can we get students to stand up against this silenced culture? How can we more effectively educate each other about what consent means, and how to actually obtain consent from your partner without looking like a loser? How do we create a culture where consent is a normal and celebrated part of sex?
I think the problems we see at Middlebury around sexual assault are ultimately reflective of the larger culture we live in--a culture that glorifies violence, objectifies women, and is sexually repressive. And I've heard a lot of people say that our goal of ending rape is useless, because rape is a cultural phenomenon. But cultures are made of people, of real people, and that means that they're capable of change. It also means that we're all responsible for changing an environment that's hurting all of us, even if most of us aren't rapists.
And Valki, I completely agree with you--there are a lot of men and women who I wish exercised more self-control. I also think that sometimes, the people who do commit acts of sexual assault are not sure what "consent" means, and they're not sure how to obtain consent, or how to confidently and clearly communicate their desires. And that doesn't absolve them of their responsibility for their actions, but it makes little sense to have a policy (that's supposed to act as a deterrent) of which very few of us are aware. We have to remember that a lot of students come to college with little or no experience with alcohol, dating, and sex, and the school can't just assume that everyone's equally and sufficiently knowledgeable about these things. It also can't assume that everyone will read the handbook simply because it's available online.
I would never, ever want to have sex with anyone who wasn't 100% into it, simply because that would turn me off. And I think a lot of people would agree with me. So let's make sure that everyone has the full tools to engage in fully consensual sex. The policies ensure that our community is protected from those who adhrere to these basic rules of safety, and that our guidelines actually entail consequences and thus can act as real deterrents.
We've been talking about including Middlebury's specific policy on sexual assault in freshmen orientation (as part of the Sex Signals show), Jyoti's office is planning to send wellness leaders to lead to discussions on consent and sex in frehsmen halls, and we've been talking about getting certain speakers and organizing events.
We've also talked about getting a group of peer educators trained specifically to intervene in situations they see are potentially dangerous. These educators would go to parties, just like eveyrone else, but if they see anyone obviously intoxicated going home with someone else, they'll know how to step in and make sure that everyone's safe. I think Harvard has a group like this.
At this point, though, we need more input, more ideas, more creative solutions. This is our community, and given the energy and excitement that has developed in the past month around this issue, I think there's a lot we can do.
I wish to respond to valki's response to steve's post, but since I don't think this thread is the appropriate place, I've re-posted it on my own blog:
http://mluby.blogspot.com/2008/05/response-to-mend-silence-post.html
In reference to the discussion about defining rape and the question of “gray rape” (see the Cosmo article linked by another user), I'd like to share my own story here because I think it sheds light on how even in a sticky situation with unclear communication, disaster can be averted when the power between both people truly is balanced and both people truly do respect one another. A few years ago, I was at a party, met a guy, liked him, ended up making out with him... and things progressed from there. While I was enjoying the encounter, I had no intention of having sex with him-- I was a virgin at that point and had no intention of having sex with anyone in the near future. His hands started wandering and I tensed a little, but all I could think to do was blurt out "I'm a virgin". He paused and asked me, "is this okay?" Thinking that he meant what had happened up to that point, I nodded. I was feeling a little overwhelmed by the situation, but I didn't feel like any major line had been crossed. And I liked the guy—I wanted this to go well. At that point I certainly didn't feel violated, and I felt like we had maintained shared control of the situation through that verbal exchange. So we started making out some more, and next thing I knew he was opening my pants and getting ready to enter me-- without protection. I was completely taken aback and also scared. I froze and he kept going, until right as he started to penetrate me I regained my senses and pushed away and tried to get away from him. He stopped.
And that is the key. He stopped. I don't think his intent was ever to force me or hurt me, and when it became apparent that it wasn't okay with me anymore-- even though he probably thought I had already agreed to have sex with him earlier when he asked if "this" was okay-- he respected that. I was shaken nonetheless and left right away. Although the experience unsettled me, it did not traumatize me. Although he pushed me out of my comfort zone and I have no idea what made him presume that he was the person I wanted to lose my virginity to, I did not feel victimized, because in the end he respected my choice. I was lucky.
I don’t think that this encounter went as it should have, and I still think that he made a serious mistake by even trying to penetrate me. I have found out I have HPV and while it’s impossible to determine for certain who infected me, my sexual history points to this event. There was definitely enough skin-to-skin contact for the virus to be passed to me. All these years later, discovering this makes me feel more violated than I did at the time, and shows how even a situation that was kept from going down an awful course can have serious consequences. Still, at the time I felt relief that that encounter didn’t end as terribly as it could have, and that I think is significant.
Communication often breaks down during intimacy, for any number of reasons-- shyness, intoxication, sheer miscommunication, whatever. But if both people are truly operating in good faith, genuinely wanting to enjoy this experience TOGETHER, and harboring a basic respect for the other individual, rape can be avoided. In that sense, "gray rape" isn't really that gray. Unless you KNOW the other person is into it, don't risk it. It's common decency to check and double check and triple check, and to be willing to stop or change course any time your partner (emphasis on the word partner) seems uncomfortable—even if that seems to you to contradict something he or she indicated earlier.
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